Words

Beloved Britain,

the following entry is less a letter to you but a helpful guide for foreigners to get along with your people:

During the last three weeks here in your blessed country I paid special attention to the language of the people I came into contact with.

My results are that when you want to be a proper Briton (like I do aspire to become) you can't manage this challenging task (if it is a 'task' at all) without using the following words and expressions:

1. Thank you. / Thank you so/very much. / Thanks a lot.   -   any other polite form of expressing your gratitude

Saying 'thank you' is crucial.
Without a constant 'thank you' on your lips it is almost impossible to be accepted by society. Sorry about that.
And it is not bad to say 'thank you' all the time, it simply eases your getting along with people.

'Thanks, hon' - 'Thank you, darling' - 'Thank you my lovely flower' ...

2. Lovely! / Beautiful!

To all non-Britons, please note: everything here is lovely! And I mean absolutely everything!
The dish presented to you on the table is lovely!, the weather is lovely!, the town is lovely!, the hotel is lovely!, the sea is lovely!, the ice cream is lovely! and even the seagulls are lovely! (not!).
And of course you are lovely, darling.

If you are absolutely tired of saying lovely! every two seconds you can use the adjective 'beautiful' instead.
But please stick to lovely! as long as you can. ;-)

3. All right? / All right! / Alright!

'Alright!' is another essential word.
At first you ask someone "All right?", then expect the  answer "All right!" and whenever you agree you say "Alright.". And please do say it as often as possible.
Whenever you meet someone ask him or her immediately 'All right?' or even better: 'How are you?'. In this case you should answer "I'm fine, thank you. How are you?" / "I'm good, thanks." / "I'm alright, thank you." / "Good, good. And yourself?" / "Not too bad, thank you."

4. Sorry! / Please excuse me... / Pardon?

Excusing anything and everything is not an expression of inferiority, it simply shows respect and decency.
Although it sometimes may occur to you that you feel as if you are even excusing your own existence I have to say that this is obviously not the case.
And if you should have every reason to excuse your existence it is alright since you've excused yourself. ;-)

If you want to pass someone please always say "Please excuse me...", otherwise the others could make a mental note concerning you and this note would read: 'Warning! Rude person!'.

If you do not understand an English person please say 'Pardon?' and never ever 'What??'. Otherwise you could easily be categorised as a rude person. And no one wants to be a rude person. Everyone wants to be lovely.

5. Please.

Britain, you've produced very polite people, that is almost common knowledge.
So, again a note to all non-Britons:
always say please when you ask someone for something and also in any other situation.
Otherwise a similar incident like this might occur to you:

You enter the kitchen to get your lunch. There are two dishes on the table which you can't identify. So you ask the kitchen chef: "What's this?" - "Apple and meat pie and this is fish pie." -"Ah, okay, th-" - "And next time, please ask 'What's this, PLEASE'?" - "Oh okay sorry. .." - "Say please and thank you and you'll get on well with me!" - "Alright. . Thank you then..." - "We talk funny in England, don't we?" - "Yes! But I like it actually!" ...

6. Bloody hell!

'Bloody hell!' is regarded by me as typically British.
Whenever you feel the urge to express your anger or surprise you use the term 'Bloody hell!'. But please refrain from saying it too often. Please always behave well-mannered.
Please do not say 'Fuck! or Fuck shit!'. In case you do, please excuse immediately.


7. Obviously

The people I encountered here tend to use the word 'obviously' as often as possible.
I haven't figured out so far why exavtly everything here is so particularly 'obvious' but it 'obviously' is.



Faithfully yours,
Jane

P.S. Of course I have been aware of all these stereotypes mentioned here but it is just so funny and therefore worth noticing that they all really apply!